Slowly slipping into my thirties I’m talking more to people about marriage and dating. What is there to say about the underlying issue of love and romance, when time runs out and it’s time to mingle?

The guy question: Am I replaceable?

Many guys feel that a whole lot of economic questions are posed to them during dates right from the getgo, especially as they get closer to the typical marriage age. Do you have a car? Where was your last vacation? Did you take the train there or did you fly? How big is your apartment? In which area do you live? What kind of job do you work?

Talking about this with a neighbour, he specifically mentioned girls would stop seeing him after only a couple of dates. This usually happens to coincide with their first visit to his apartment. He lives in a good area but his place is not too big (37m^2). Most girls didnt give any reason, but the few that did mostly mentioned his apartment. The furnishing of his apartment is very good by the way, it is only that with the size, it is definitely sized for only a single person. Now he just broke up again with a girl he has was dating in total for 9 months. One of the things she held against him was that his small size apartment was “unmasculine”.

Definitely the type of criticism which can get to your head. Advice from his best friend didnt help either, who insisted he first needs to “build a nest”, in order to attract a lasting partner.

The math definitely checks out. Women are looking to marry at a certain age and the biological clock ticks. But for many a guy the mostly economical categories women select by at this point, can seem alienating. Especially once you see them shortly after the breakup with a new guy, with similar physique, but who was apparently willing to check all the boxes.

Especially the timeliness in which these new similar guys show up begs the question if real love was involved. Usually it takes couples a few months upto a year to even figure out if they love someone. That’s when they first say it. But not only that, to fall in love with someone is generally not even guaranteed. Thereby it can be said with reasonable accuracy, that love here is no more the primary factor. So how can you know if your current partner just selected you based on those gross economical criteria and made a quick deal, simply because her time ran out?

This might seem as an overly romantisized view on the whole issue of dating in your thirties, but there is also some good rationale to it. A supposedly romantic and loving relationship, which is mostly based on economic and physical checkboxes, would hardly have any substance to push through hard times. So it is logical to think how such relationships could best be avoided.

As my neighbour is now moving out of his apartment to a bigger place, these are exactly the questions he asks himself, but they are also questions for men in general. How replaceable am I with all this interrogation about money? Will my woman stand by me if my financial situation gets worse? How do I find a woman who likes me for me?

The girl question: The opposite side of the coin

On the other side, if males are so easily replaceable - just find a nice guy who can pay the bills - how replaceable are our “romantic” partners?

I find that many guys, honestly including myself up until recently, dont have too many requirements for a girl. She needs to be pretty, funny, intelligent… that’s about it. And there are a whole lot of woman like this out there.

So if these are the only requirements from most men out there… it would also be easy for the women to ask the same question: How quick until my ex will find a new mate which checks all the same boxes?

Again, it is not exactly romantic, to think that your significant other could easily replace you with an equally fitting partner.

Love and Romance?

So in this harsh world, where everybody is replaceable, is this even still about love and romance? To be easily replaced is definitely not romantic.

This harsh view of the situation somehow gets us nowhere, and could make people bitter or doubtful. So let’s put a different spin on this.

People dont know what they are doing.

Especially in heart matters this is true, and pop culture backs me up here. There are countless songs telling the story of people not knowing what they are doing with love. Take only “You dont know what love is” from the White Stripes, or “Was du Liebe nennst” (What you call love) from Bauza, beautifully illustrating my point.

So what is my take?

I find that everybody can be loved. And a truly loving and joyful person can love almost everybody. Just one look into the eyes and.. its hard to resist a smile that comes from the heart. It is in that moment we can feel love, even with a complete stranger.

So going by that, the truth is that lovers in a way are infinitely replaceable, since almost everybody can be loved. In fact, you as a loved person didnt get replaced, it is just that the other person now loves and spends time with somebody else. Love is not exclusive in that way. Relationships are, but love isnt.

On the other hand, in my experience every love feels different. Every relationship feels different, even though it may equally be love. So while a partner moves on to exclusively only loving a new person, this love will not be the same, will not taste the same, will not feel the same, as the love you had together.

This is where I would see the romance of love. Not because its exclusive or irreplaceable, but because it is totally unique.

Rounding up…

So in general I find that we have love and romance backwards, but it still works.

We idealize love and romance to come first and marriage to come second as a consequence. While we can love everybody, in life and especially when time runs short, we pick the person we want to fall in love with, based on certain criteria.

Though picking a person based on criteria is not romantic, since that makes you as an individual just part of a group, love is inherently romantic, since every love feels, tastes and is different.

So while we seem to have it backwards with love and romance, and we definitely havent explored love as deep as it truly is as a society, it still works. And then a baby is born… happy day!